The skin you're in

No I don't claim to be a wiseman
A poet or a saint
I'm just another man who's searching
For a better way
But my heart beats loud as thunder
For the things that I believe
Sometimes I wanna run for cover
Sometimes I want to scream
Bang a drum for tomorrow
Bang a drum for the past
Bang a drum for the heroes
That won't come back
Bang a drum for the promise
Bang a drum for the lies
Bang a drum for the lovers
And the tears they've cried
Bang a drum bang it loudly
Or as soft as you need
But as long as my heart keeps on bangin'
I got a reason to believe
~Bon Jovi


Returning to the harigga, I had to trust that Papa Kur would be alright when he veered away to get a handle on the emotions of having lost a grandson. I had to offer the same trust to Garyx as he tucked Tarra into the crook of his arm and led her back to their wagons. I have no experience with the emotion of having lost a child but knew in my heart it had to have been devastating to each of them. I felt so helpless, so unable to offer anything that could soothe any of them. My treds still leadened as I followed Cana and Falon back to the main fires.

I didn't argue with Cana over a bowl of blackwine, I just got up and got it for her. She deserved it. I tried to talk of the future. I think she was trying as well. I'd told her that I would cook for her and her family for the next hand or so but she told me that soon she would lean on me to take care of the kaiila when she would not be as able. I had to chuckle as Ba'atar ... that is the singer I mentioned from the pyre, burled in, demanding to know where his food was. And Falon bless her heart was there to see a massive bowl delivered, personally.

As the night grew long, the variety of amusing topics had left us all, half holding our sides with laughter. 'Hands on skin' meant the touch to the surface of a drum but it took on altogether new meanings as it spiraled around the circle. So did meat hunting and just who was seasoned enough to be mating material. Ba'atar is actually planning to be mated in the spring and was being open to the matchmaking or maybe that was dripping with sarcasm and I just missed it. Polunu volunteered me in that mix to which I promptly confided that I was far too scrawny hipped to be considered 'seasoned' enough. I don't know if I am confident enough to be tossed into that fray just yet. I might not be alone there from the way several of us fidgetted afterwards. The singer did make sure we were all fed well and for some reason that meant something to me.

When the night grew cool, the pent up grief the women felt finally burst the dam and flowed in rich sobs into the air. It wrenched them both so deeply ... Cana and Falon, that their bodies heaved to be rid of it. It hurt to watch them knowing I had no words, I had nothing clever or wise to offer to them and my gaze sought Ba'atar. There was pleading in them for him to do something, say something ... damn it !!!! ... fix it ... make everything alright. He became my hero in that one moment as the silken baritone began to speak almost like one of his songs. He said they knew this time was coming and not to shed tears past tomorrow. How simply put that was and how effective it seemed to be. I'm not sure why but I myself began to feel a little more comfortable in my skin.

Before he left, I told him thank you for the song he had offered to the skies for Loch. He believed that it was not his song but that it belonged to Loch ... he had simply given it to him. Then he goes and says there was a whole lot of hugging and kissing when we women bid our farewells to each for the night and not a single one of them was for him. I told him that was what he got for walking away.

I'm one to talk. I ended up walking down to the stream. It had become habit again to stroll there and watch the stars. It was always there, that I would close my eyes, wishing upon them and singing soft lullabies to something or someone, somewhere ... for a different kind of dream. This night when I closed my eyes and began to sing ... I could see the skin of the drum ... watching as it resonated with every beat ... only I didn't cover my ears trying not to hear it.