However much

don't tell them, they'll only drink your tears
don't do it, not in a hundred years
you know it, you feel it, I do too, just listen
something is calling you
what difference do you think that it makes
if you give or if its you who takes
i know it, i feel it, you do too, just listen,
you'll hear it calling you
what difference do you think that it makes
if you give or if its you who takes
i know it, i feel it, you do too, just listen,
you'll hear me calling you
~Norah Jones

I really didn't want him to see the discoloration under my chin, nor hear the gravel sound of my voice but I was not going to hide from him either. However, whatever was going to happen would happen. I will admit I was braced. He asked a simple question and I stuck to the basic facts. It did surprise me when I heard his answer. He'd heard nothing of it so the matter must be resolved.

He will send me off to serve others but he doesn't say anything when I return. I feel like a puppy following him around and I almost left a wet trail when he tousled my hair. That was the second time he caught me off guard. Usually I close one eye and grimace when someone does that, not this time. This time I leaned in closer bridging that few horts more. raven was talking to him about decorating the wagons and the bosk, so it was as good a time as any to spill about the spill. Three for three, he left me floored. He wasn't angry, just let me know the rules about respecting his things.

I get it now. A Tuchuk man's wagon is his "ride.' That made having been able to wash and polish it once before fit into a whole new category. I had walked away from that inside spot, being able to do things for him, with him. I would cherish being able to have it back. I had a good reason but still ... until I could get a chance to talk to him, he would never really know why. I just can't say hey ... I want to talk to you, leave all the free people here behind and divert your attention to me. I don't want to drag him away from someone that needs him. He is an important man. I don't ever forget that. I care for him and I respect him. I respect his position. I respect what he means to our people. Too I respect them. How ever much I want to on the inside, it may never be something I will feel comfortable doing. More of that southern breeding ... respect and manners. I know that sounds strange here among such a passionate, fierce people. I will always knock before entering, remain quiet while someone is talking, pass the salt to the next one at the table. It isn't insecurity, it's just being polite. That isn't going to change.

raven did one of those military volunteer jobs on me by the way. Everyone who wants to help take a step forward .. then everyone else takes a step back. Yep, I was the one left standing out front. I don't mind. I like the idea. I am all about decorating even if it is wooly four footed creatures with shaggy ears. I got all excited. Shoot, I am still excited. We could put some of my bells on them. He was quick to say not on their feet, that would drive him insane. I had to smirk on the inside. So he had noticed. I may be blonde but I am not stupid. Ears it will be then.

I had meant to say thank you. Thank you for not killing me, thank you for letting me be close once and for letting me be at least a little close again. I wanted to say thank you for not being angry with me, thank you for letting me help with the bosk and the wagons. Too I wanted to say thank you for sharing that smile, the laughter with me and breeching a distance with a simple touch that somehow said things weren't so bad. Giving gifts hadn't worked out too well, so next time I saw him, maybe I could just flash my kalmak open and yell it.

Yeah, like I am brave enough to do that. I should start with something simpler .. like ... well I will think of something.

Oh, and one of the Mistresses gave us a lesson on bosk feet. They do have toes, two of them. We get to make little leather .. shoes ... slippers .. whatever for them. I got this great idea, I could make puffy balls out of soft thread to put on the ends. Bosk Booties! Or on their ears for when it gets cold. Bosk muffs! No, that sounds ... well you know.

In the meantime, I have become this chatty little thing that just can't seem to shut up. I guess all that was behind the silence was catching up and now everything was just spilling over.