Uncomplicated

Days went by while I acclimated Sin to more complex commands. It was not merely teaching him the feel of the reins but touch and voice guidance as well. For each response I wanted with use of the reins, there was a touch of my heels, my knees, or my hand. The tsk of my tongue, whistle, snort, shrill had meaning to compliment the other lessons. It had come to the point where I could remove the reins and saddle and he still knew how to respond. Among all of the thousands of kaiila kept of the Tribe, three short sharp whistles would bring his head up and no matter where I was ... he would come. It was a deceptive calm that one of Barhk's sons made the mistake of intruding on. Sinewy still had all the fire and defiance he began with and the young man almost lost a few fingers thinking he could just walk up to the beast as I did.

When I returned to my wagon, I found the gift the minx had left for me. Wasn't there always something that she would do or send after she had angered me? There, carefully lain on my platform was a plate of the nut pastries. Bribe? Gift? Another way to say 'I'm sorry'? I wasn't sure how to take the gesture.

I wasn't sure how to take much of anything at the moment. My momentum felt .... just off after the day before. I certainly was not ready for another roller coaster ride so I waited until I was sure there would be no one left at the fires before I entered the circle of flames. In this solitude I thought ... just maybe I could find some sense of peace. La Torvis had warmed the day more than most though the wind had still nipped icily, and now that the temperature began to drop it seemed to worm its way bone deep. No matter how many chips I added to the fire, I could not get warm. When I heard the crunch of dirt beneath the heel of a boot I turned to look up. That small glimmer of recognition in his eyes brought a smile. Such a simple question for it to have vast impact on me. How is your new life treating you? Ah now to answer honestly without seeming ungrateful, left me with a hesitance in the middle.

It has been ..
it has been good ...
for the most part ...

And before I could finish there was just a smile and a genuine gift. He said he was there if I needed someone to talk to.

... different.

He had always been, hadn't he? From the first time that I met him through to the reach of his hand to pull me up on his kaiila with him for a ride when I was weary, to now, this very moment, he had always been there for me to talk to. It only felt right to introduce myself. I mean the 'me' as I am now. I had to cant my head a little when he told me I knew who he was. Yes and well .. no. See, I'd never spoken his name before, it wasn't allowed. That was when he leaned in close enough to whisper against my ear ...'You always called me Master.' It just seemed to break the ice and we ended up laughing.

But he knew too that there was still much on my mind. We spoke of what it was like being a prospect. When he said it had been the most nerve wracking time he had ever had, I somehow found encouragement there. There was definitely empathy. It is just easier for me to talk about kaiila so it was natural for me to ask what his kaiila's name was. Why did I ask? Silly jit, because I take care of the beasts and .. and ... I just realized I don't know what his name is or much about him or ... much about the man I was talking to either. Dracko was the russet colored kaiila's name and if he .. the warrior ... needed someone to help ... with the kaiila ... I didn't mind.

I listened as he told me of losing his father at an early age and the life he had with his mother until she passed. That was when he finally returned to the Tribe. I hadn't meant to bring up tender subjects but he was reassuring ... it didn't bother him. He was at peace with the skies though we both agreed it was nice to have someone to talk to. It really was.

So .. since I was getting comfortable a little with him, I got a bit feisty too. Well? Well what? Well, did he need any help taking care of Dracko? No, I didn't mind but ... it might cost him. I was all set to launch into one of those barters of what was it worth when I just looked at him and spit out the skies honest truth. I had nothing in mind. I was terrible wasn't I? I would watch over the animal and he knew it. And in the middle of all that fluster and perhaps a little bluff and bluster, I caught this gleam in his eye when he said he knew I would. Skies, men are infuriating!

We talked a little about this one certain place along the route from south to north and it made me smile when he remembered it saying he thought we could find it again. I didn't want to sound brazen or all flirty. The man had been a good friend to me and that place was special. There was a wistful thought too, that I had never gone to see his paintings inside his wagon and now ... well now, I didn't think it was appropriate. He promised that after I became Tribe I could come see. His suggestion was to ask Cana if it was alright ... that and if it would be alright to help me paint mine.

All the while we talked I'd been adding new chips to the fire and curling in close to try and ward of the chill. There was the gentlest of gestures when he reached over to pull a fur up around my shoulders. 'You looked like you were cold'.
I studied his features, I studied his eyes and the scars on his cheeks, etching it all into my memory. He bid me farewell just after that with a wish that I have good dreams.

There was so much uncomplicated warmth in those moments.

Windchimes

A whole day of relaxing, enjoying life on the Tuchuk plains had left me in a far better mood than I had been in several hands. I was still fatigued but a good night's sleep would work wonders. The best way to top off a day like that is to celebrate .. it is rare for me but my drug of choice was a pastry. So off to the fires I go.

Lately, encounters with noodle have grown to be either black or white. I do not know why she has such trouble adapting to my lack of collar now but we seem to either have a moment of close connection or something else on the farthest end of the spectrum. I had no idea that the simple act of giving noodle a bit of the sticky gooey treat would disintegrate the fiber of the girl. I sat there watching while she went through this emotional nuclear melt down. Next thing I knew, I found myself repeating ... yet again what I have said three other times previously ... serve your Master and do it to the best of your ability .. be proud and make him proud. You would have thought I'd slapped her. I don't understand. But if you want bitch mode ... I can deliver. I sort of liked that feeling ... made me all tingly. I could learn to truly enjoy that feeling if I didn't have to live with my consequences or didn't care.

The bottom line was I just didn't have the want, need or energy to argue with anyone ... understand? ... anyone ... at that moment, so in the end I simply sought the peacefulness of my wagon and the company of my little lizard friend. I really need to find a good name for that guy. I don't know if he worries about whether or not I will trade or wager him away but then he doesn't seem all that concerned. He was quite content to perch up there on the slat of wood and watch as I pulled out the broken pieces of the halter, left over rings from the bit and sorted through the beads that Tarra had given me. Blue glass tear drops were soon suspended from the leather, intermingling with the silvery metal rings to create a unique ting sound where each touched against another. It was surpisingly loud but not in an offensive kind of way ... sort of mellow.

When I had finished I sat there looking at it ... listening to it ... making it ring over and over again. Something beautiful of something no longer useful. I would thank Seth later for exposing this concept to me but it was going to be a gift for someone that had first affected how I thought about things. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry .. not for any part of this journey .. not for being close to me .. not for sharing a moment ... not for who and what I am .. not even me. In time perhaps reminders no matter how subtle may not bristle the the fine down on the back of my neck. I only want to look back to have a small understanding of how far I have come. As far as I was concerned .. I was doing alright .. toddling, stumbling but still getting back up again. My pride was telling me I was doing good .. damn good. In fact it felt so good that I made several more of the windchimes until I ran out of rings and beads. Ah yes, enough of them to keep a Tuchuk awake .. all night.

Pastry

... hot-headed, sensual, melancholy, malignant in his hatred as he was-- he was himself unable to fulfill the law; indeed, and this seemed strangest to him, his extravagant lust to domineer provoked him continually to transgress the law, and he had to yield to this thorn.

Is it really his "carnal nature" that makes him transgress again and again? And not rather, as he himself suspected later, behind it the law itself, which must constantly prove itself unfulfillable and which lures him to transgression with irresistable charm? But at that time he did not yet have this way out. He had much on his conscience - he hints at hostility, murder, magic, idolatry, lewdness, drunkenness, and pleasure in dissolute carousing - and... moments came when he said to himself:"It is all in vain; the torture of the unfulfilled law cannot be overcome."... The law was the cross to which he felt himself nailed: how he hated it! how he searched for some means to annihilate it--not to fulfill it any more himself!

And finally the saving thought struck him ... "It is unreasonable ..."

Nietzsche's Daybreak

How to get the verr, the pastry and the sleen to the other side of the stream. You can only take one at a time.

But, if you are not there, the sleen will eat the verr (can't leave them unattended) and the verr will eat the pastry.(can't leave those two unattended either).

Simple ... feed the pastry to the verr, feed the verr to the sleen then slaughter the sleen and use his pelt to keep you warm and dry as you cross the stream.

Stream of Consciousness

“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” Aristotle


The following morning I felt somewhat better .. the why is not important .. just that I woke with a purpose for the day. Show me something and I will repeat it, adding more accuracy with each repetition, like Sahli's slight of hand. I had practiced .. over and over again until I could re-create the illusion with an ease. I am a hard headed woman and quite honest about being one. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes it is a self induced torture. I had not taken Cana's well meant advice of having time for myself so that my ill health and fatigue meant that I was growing proverbially 'sick and tired' of everything.

Today, I would take for myself, spend a little time at my wagon, enjoy my new found relationship with Sin ... improve the one with Me Too, and just go for a walk while the window of nice weather permitted.

It all began at the fires and would end at the fires, coming full circle.

Blackwine just tastes less bitter when you share it among friends. Two women were already there when I arrived, and in my usual way, I tread all over their conversation. I was lovingly forgiven. I remember Isu .. she is marked in my memory despite her quietness, but let me tell you ... there is an oddness to the feeling when a Spex says .. I know of you. Being known of by a Haruspex was one of those things that could mean wow or oh shhhht so I picked some middle ground to take that. There is that quick whisper inside that says ... please, please .. let that be a good thang.

We spoke of Kam and Chay returning. Now it may surprise many, but I was looking forward to seeing both. There is a deep respect for them and a deeper rooted want to know them better. I know Tarra will enjoy seeing her father, she misses him regardless of how tough she may seem on the outside. As a diversion to more tender subjects, my fitful nights seemed to intrigue her. She offered to come see what disturbed my sleep. I had to confess that I'd grown irritable to the point I could not even stand my own company. Her offer to send a few things that would help just made me instantly think of Falon and her 'cures.' Oh no no no no no. The truth was ... why I did not sleep well was something I didn't actually want to 'fix' right now. Not yet.

Exploring philosophies with Tarra is always like being at a wine tasting, there is as much enjoyment in rolling the flavor of a new vintage over your tongue as there is biting into a lush bit of fruit to clear the palette. We found humor in my 'spells' of silence then sudden gushes of prattle. We had spoken of intuitions versus instincts, and the complexities of humanity. We each are different, like flavors in a stew. It is what makes life interesting, to pick and choose through which bites you wish to relish and which you toss from your bowl.

We fell into easy conversations of growth, learning, beliefs. I listened to the pearls of wisdom ...
never lose sight of basic traditions .. those are a strength but do not be blind to things that are new. Right now .. everything is new and I like that, as maddeningly, infuriatingly, deliciously insane it makes me feel ... I like it. There are times too that I simply feel blind, unable to see anything at all, but that is living isn't it? Something she said then would stick with me the rest of the day ... It is that looking and searching that pushes us to live and reach for more. Reach? Skies there it was. Profound enlightenment! It didn't mean I had all the answers but I swallowed it .. that and the bite of bosk I'd been chewing on and choked, laughing, pounding on my chest to get it unstuck.

'Reach' is not just a verb ... see when you have ... it becomes a noun. That was going to be allowed to dry to form jerky I would chew on later. But for now, a stroll to the stream just felt ... right.

It would be there, gazing down through the liquid surface, studying the pebbles in its bottom .. gray shadows, and changing my focus to see how some of them jutted through to the air above ... black, white as their definition altered, the mingling of soil and grass that formed the bank that held it all contained ... sienna and emerald, and the reflection of the sky dancing over it ... blue, gray and white. Where the hues of one layered upon another it was hard to tell which you saw until the eyes shifted and narrowed in to find the true source.

What I saw with my eyes, my heart and mind ... like a dream spoke in abstract conceptualism to help me understand. What I stood behind of relationships, love, family, profession had all been based on what I knew but as I had sat there at the fires listening to others speak of each of these things there had been a new flicker of something that had shaken the foundations of what I believed. I began to look and listen with eyes and ears of what truths I would pass down to my children. Could I tell my son or daughter of love, life ... truths and know that within the innocence of the eyes that mirror back that these would be what they would emulate?

While my mind raced to see and understand all that swirled inside of it .. a dried twig eddied in the current ... floating its merry way without a care until it bumped into one of the abuttments of a rock. Braced there, it's other end would have looked as if it toppled had it been standing aright but on its antigravitational journey ... this little twig changed part of its direction until it wedged .. caught between two stones and the water dammed up behind it. It was then that the sky reflected most on my liquid wonderworld, bringing a smile that came from somehwhere deep within. I watched in silence until the pressure gently nudged the twig free. Once again the current carrying it on further down the stream. I watched for a moment then turned to look back to the small pool that had held all my curiosities before. The pebbles on the bottom looked that much clearer .. that much smoother.

I pondered more as I walked away ...

happiness ...

as well as the illusions of it.

A Muse

Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious,
Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man:
The expedition my violent love
Outrun the pauser, reason.
Macbeth 2:3



I am tired .. so tired even upon first waking .. especially upon first waking. My time is filled from daylight to dusk working and learning as if I am driven ... I am.

The nights ...

the nights are an endless series of restless wakenings to stare at the top of my wagon, turning to study the flap as if something at any moment would ease it aside and announce itself ... there. Company is the small lizard that I have spied clinging to one of the inside wagon stays. He isn't intrusive, merely there and in some ways I find him comforting. His quiet offers me strength and courage to close my eyes and fold my palms together almost reverently, diving again and again back into my dreams.

Searching through them for that one ... that one and only one, similar to the spin of an analog dial on an FM radio. Long wistful silences and a moment of static that you fine tune to hear in more detail or the blaring cacophony of so many so close together, shrill in the screaming discovery of them. Listening carefully, so rapt for some small bit of recognition, the constant hope, the relentless faith, the crushing dismay of time wasted only to squelch to another and it begins again.

Then ...

I felt the fine down rise against the nape of my neck, the soft fur along my cheek, the lurid breath flaming my skin .. only this time I will myself past the fear to turn my gaze to follow hers. The backdrop of garnet sunset and shadows giving way to the approaching silhouette. Even now I wanted to cover my ears, to close my eyes ... knowing ... I would hear the thunder roll in echoes through the forest.

It all went black ...

and inside I could hear the voices of chaos and the furies only this time they sang no sweetened lullabies ...

Open your eyes ...

and I did.

Beneath my fingertips, I felt the downy fur, still soft, still warm, but still. Too, I felt the overwhelming sadness that radiated up through them. Never drawing my eyes away from the depth of the darkness, I watched it shift and divide .. One became two. One to walk away in triumphant victory. The other I had never seen in that fateful moment until now ... standing there motionless, frozen ... still ... for so long ... his slump-shouldered grief dripping from his head to the outstretch of his hand. I heard the agonizing cry that seemed to rend the air in a deafening, crackling, roar.

I knew this one .. I knew his face. I knew every line of his features, each of the peacock hues that traced his cheeks now wet with sorrows. I watched ... an intruder to a moment thought unseen .. unwitnessed ...

And he sank into the mists of time

Needlepoint

The evening's discussions had left me in an irrasible mood that was growing darker by the ehn. It was not so much the topics .. those of relationships .. The Tribe, Clans, Friendships, the talks of the special someone that becomes part of your life. These were simply the stories I had been gathering. These were the portraits of my people that were being sewn in my memory. I did learn from each of them more as a bonus than the purpose. It wasn't the people that moved in an out of the conversations picking up a thread to weave in or out.

Layers and layers had begun to form an understanding as we talked, an advancement to new levels that no longer needed explanation with the details defining textures. It had taken more than a season to come this far, and so many areas were still abstract or outline. The healer had long ago woven in her family and some of the accounts of things that had happened in the past. The weapon's Master had threaded in soft shades of the background that would in time connect the line of perspective. The kaiila handler had added the wonders of her family in pastels just as the Haruspex had lent the hues of mystery. Many ... so many had offered their bits to the tapestry. When Fonce and his new slave came to join, I was delighted. He was no longer just spectator in the gallery. His inquiries made him part of the portrait as a whole. The joys of the newly mated pair, became the threads that expanded the edges just as easily as his and another leather worker's sorrows did.

Words that one woman had spoken there swirled in it's vibrance .. something to consider, something to ponder more ...

When you realize that you can open yourself up completely and be accepted as you are good and bad, when you you see in another's eyes that look that says those things did not matter, that what another sees of you, feels about you is what matters ... in their eyes ... in their heart ... in their spirit.

I'd asked if the relationship between two individual people were not similar to what is felt of the Tribe itself as a whole ... the day to day relationships of those who clung to the old ways and those that embraced the new ways living together. It was at that point, that another of the women leapt into the middle, force feeding me the law of the Tuchuk as if I did not know these things. Already tired and irritable, her offering to prove her point by saying that it was only the Ubar's edict that prevented her from slapping me simply because it suited her, grated the edge of my nerves. It was one of those southern belle, "How nice" that I offered back .. Tuchuk style. If she did, it would make for an interesting evening of entertainment ... wouldn't it? She had made her point but I failed to see how any of that answered the question.

Something was needling me, not the topics, not the people, not even the debate ... it was something else. So later I asked those I felt comfortable speaking privately with. There was a very important weft thread that I needed to test and understand. Were the Tuchuk simply and only an arrogant, blood thirsty race of people? Wasn't there more? How did I and my quiet spoken ways fit into this world that I had even to this very moment felt with all my heart I belonged. In a world where many are so outspoken was there doubt among them of my own inner spirit and the depths of what I felt for my people?

It still wouldn't be until later ... after I had calmed my own blood thirsty urges that I would take what was told to me and form it into something more tangible that I could see, that I could feel was real. I had not been mistaken in all that I felt pride of for the Tuchuk. I was one of them ... the spirit was there, the strength to see it through was there and more ... that I had earned the trust and respect of many.

It wasn't just words.

Miracle

She brought no silver, no pomp or style
It was a halo bright sent down from heaven's light
The sweetest gift, a mother's smile
Linda Ronstadt


The whole experience lingers around and inside me still, the scent, the sight, the feel and the emotions. Enveloping my arms around the soft warmth of the newborn melted me right that moment. I had traced my fingers along the small cheeks, touching the miniature oval of his mouth unable to believe that it responded. The tiny pursing of his lips seeking nourishment pulled hard on feminine reins that I had not expected.

We talked of what color his eyes would be. His father's were green and I had to smile in remembrance of another pair that color. I was being strong. I could withstand the lure, not to give in until he wrapped the spidery pink web of his fingers around the end of mine and everything in the universe just made sense. Tarra and Cana say I am smitten but it was pure love. It was the kind of love that I knew nothing could ever shake the foundation of.

I felt a resonant strength inside growing so fierce that it made me weak, a slipping sliding away in my heart and soul to a peacefulness. It is a feeling that I cannot put in words but I am sure there are women who know every flavor of it.

There were other emotions that nibbled at me as well. This .. this was something that I had dreamed of. Something I had spoken of to only one person and remembered the jubilant cry of joy that said it was heard. Just such a precious moment and it rent me inside. Did they .. did anyone hear the searing agony now? I heard the gentle spoken reasurances of the two women who are mentor, nurturer, confidant and friend ...

one day ...

one day when it is time

and I let those words, the sweet intentions behind them soothe a wound that was opening with more pain than I thought I could endure.

This was not my moment. It belonged to another, the one caught within a rim of firelight, shimmering, shining all around her. "Beauty" was now etched supremely in a Mother's smile. I shoved all of those selfish thoughts away to relish that one pure ihn where I understood what .. "life" meant. I saw it behind the light flutter of his downy lashes, I heard it in the whisper of his breath and felt it the radiance of his warmth. I heard something richer, deeper, sweeter. On this world they do not have a word for it, but on my old one we called them angels and I heard them begin to gather in unison, to speak his name before it was even earned.

He was just a new born babe. Women of the harigga have them everyday but I knew this one was special.

"Unconditional"

... is a condition.





It didn't matter much what I said, most of the responses were clipped one words sentences.

Tal

Tal

Its good to see you.

That lift of gaze flat .. empty to meet mine then lower back to what he was doing.

How have you been? How did the drive go?

Well.

Those small hands constant slow methodical motion rubbing oil into his saddle. Squeezing the padding to insure every crevice was well emoliated.

Any subject I brought up, squelched with a dull monotonous tone and maybe a slicing glare. At least that was different than the empty flat one.

Each time I mentioned a personal reference, it was met with a tersly polite .. "Good for you."

The ihns ticked away in patches of awkward silence before I bid my farewells and rose to go. I was just about to dip beneath the flap when he got in his parting shot.

That's it go. You are good at that aren't you?

If nothing else in the events that have unfolded since coming here ... now there was the one thing I had learned and learned well. I turned to offer a smile and soft spoken words ...

Yes, but I'll be back.

After I bounded down the steps, I breathed in a deep breath of the night air and thought to myself, he sounds like a pretty normal Tuchuk male.


~*~For Robert~*~

How Real Did You Want?

I'd held a new born child in my arms. I'd seen the beauty and wonder of love light the faces of a newly mated couple. I'd seen the sorrow of a brother loss, a mate's loss, a friend's loss ... too many in just one hand. I'd seen a slave freed and a freewoman bend her knees. I'd seen the spirit of a wild animal bend. All within less days than numbers of the list they contained.

Of it all none of them compared to the plain shock Cana handed me with a few simple words.

Me Too was back.

It affected me more than I tried to let on to anyone.

When he left he looked so much the portrait of a man child on the brink of stepping into his future. Happy, carefree, laughing. Serious, ready to take on the world and the sky itself. Courageous, and brave.

It had taken everything I had within me to be able to serve Me Too, to offer the gentleness of a mother's love, the wisdom and the caring to one I felt deep in my heart and head was not all he seemed to be. I had tried to speak to Cana and even Fonce once of the things that I'd seen just as I had spoken to Fonce again about them recently. There was no evidence of it, not then, not now, not anything anyone else had truly seen.

The fact that Cana had asked me to visit the boy and be there for him was pretty much proof of what she felt. He was a lost lonely little orphan that had no one there for him. She had said she thought he had missed me and wanted me to spend time with him. She knew it would be hard but felt that he loved me very much and that love would be there no matter what. I didn't ask what she meant when she said he would be the easiest to convert. It didn't make sense but then my head was buzzing with more emotions and thoughts than I could keep up with.

There was so much that had changed while he was gone. I was angry, I was torn, I was happy, I felt a deep sinking inside knowing I was going to have to face him. I didn't hesitate to assure her I would, well I did a little. The tread of my boots seemed to echo through the rows as I made my way past Rook's wagon. My heart was pounding as I reached up to rap lightly on the side of the flap. When I stepped inside I will never forget that look. The flicker of something bright that died a slow death and darkened to a cold cruel narrowed glint. I felt as if something inside died with it.

Maybe a little test, hmmm?

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends ... ~ Ricky Nelson

The past few days had been an interesting garden party banquet. Bits and pieces of them remind me of the Country Club Tea Society, where it is best to take small nibbles of the faire in front of you. It could be pate or it could be your heart, head or better yet .. some delicate part of a dear friend served with grated zest. Does it mean that when the rise of cloth napkins touch so gracefully at the corners of the mouth in unison around the dining table, mine has any less vestiges of canary on them than any others? No. I will say that it was not a tasty or filling meal nor one that I have any wish sitting down to again. I've never cared for Meatloaf, served hot or cold. I've never liked Tea Parties.

The camp had been abuzz for some time now with many rumors, not just the obvious ones. The questions had been volleyed around on everyone's behalves of why this, why that? The bottom line is this ... when a man stands firm that he wants what he wants ... he will ... get what he wants. A heart, like water, will in the end find its own level. Whose sole's tread what path to what wagon and how many times isn't necessarily what killed the grass. Some fires burn high and bright only to end up small coals in the morning. Some fires are fed slowly over time so that they are both warmth and a source of light. These are simply my opinions though the affairs of others are not truly any of my business, any more than mine is any of theirs.

I believe I've already mentioned something about those subjects that might have enough missing pieces you could embarrass yourself jumping into the middle of. Look before you leap, think before you speak.

As for the rest of the past few days, I've been handed two more tests. Ones that were lain out in plain sight instead of the careful scrutiny of what I do or do not do that is judged either fairly or harshly according to the voyeur at the moment.
One was accepted graciously knowing it could be accomplished. A partnership of leadership skills. Akasha and I both would oversee the herds while Cana was away on her trip. We each have our strengths with the kaiila and should have no trouble in working together.

The other precariously layered on so many levels that it appears a Kobayashi Maru. Can I, Should I, Will I become The Lovely Fairy with Azure Hair or The Blue Fairy .. that is the question, more than, will Pinocchio become a real boy? Or for that matter which boy is Pinocchio.

Tests ... there are many in societies, those you see and those you don't. I'd been told that the hardest ones are the ones you never see coming. I've been told the hardest ones you pass are those that knock you slap on your ass and you still get up again.

Had I passed the unseen tests? Loyalty? Strength of heart? Independence? Resilience? I'm still standing. It was coming to the point that the pass or fail did not matter. What was growing extremely important to me now was when the smoke rises from my pyre whether it is today, tomorrow or when I grow old and gray that I had not just upheld the law not to draw blood of another Tribe member but stood with both feet on the ground behind them or beside them, not taller because it was on the heads or hearts of even one of my people.

If that is seen as weak then I confess ... I am.

Mo Anam Cara

I've found a new style of warming at the fires, rotisserie tuchuk. Warm the back until the leather starts to sting against the skin then turn a little to let that spot cool while another is heating up. I was doing this while I downed gulps of blackwine and waiting on sleen to bring food. I was hungry, tired and felt parched, demanding she talk to me while I shoveled the bits of meat down. I was doing most of talking not even knowing if she heard me and not caring. I was telling her about the halter, the bit rings, kaiila manicures .. what ever popped into my head and most of it all centered around the beasts.

She wanted to know about my possessions. See we switched places about the same time so in a way there is a kindredness. She doesn't want to be free and I don't want to be slave but that fine line in the middle is a place where we can meet. I meant to give her some of the beads Tarra had given me but I keep forgetting. We would both ask if she could have them and it was probably less than fifty fifty odds on who got to ask first. Sleen would probably win but I'd had enough wagering for a while .. well until the odds changed a little more in my favor at least.

When Arigh stopped by I remembered to say tal first. Wheeeee, I'm getting better and better. I asked how the pups were doing and we both screeched to a halt confused. Which ones? The only ones I thought she told me she had when I spoke to her last time about stopping by the see. I don't know why she thought I was only interested in the Ubar's. I like animals, soft ones, fuzzy ones, even one's that don't look like pets. The sleens are cute and cuddly looking when they are little but after listening to the whimpering, whining of Ebet's, I had no intention of getting one any time soon.

When we got around to talking about kaiila, I mentioned my dilemma with the broken leather and she of course mentioned Saresh. Maybe trade a home cooked dinner for what I needed. That might have sounded like a good idea if I hadn't seen that little glint in her eyes. Pff I blew that match out quick. Iffff I ran across him I would try to remember to ask. What is it with all the women around the camp lately?

I know there are many around me that have suffered loss and feel the pangs of grief. I don't know what to do, how to make it all better. I want to but then those lessons of all the things, I can't change, can't fix or make better are still a bit touchy. Do I make it worse trying or do I make it worse not trying? I wound up most of the time just quietly sitting there available if they need me. That works a lot better with someone you know pretty well than with someone you don't know much about. We did laugh about my struggle in learning the sea of names and faces. I do alright with most of the woman but I had already made the mistake of confusing two warriors and congratulating the wrong one in being mated. Right now in both of those men's lives or those around them that care for them, it really would not be a good thing to repeat the faux pas.

Arigh slipped off into the shadows and I remembered quick enough to offer the opposite of those tals before she got out of sight. I mean well honestly yall. Anyway, Akasha joined me about that time all beaming and looking as if she could just float away on a wisp of smoke. She had slept well and felt like a brand new person. I was envious, I'd tossed and turned night after night not remembering much except being even more tired the next morning than when I'd fallen asleep. We were talking about sleep while sleen slid into almost peaceful little sleen slumbers.

For a moment she bowed up on me too asking if I had called her a liar over something I disagreed with her about. I may be a soft spoken woman most of the time and I tend to keep my opinions to myself a lot but ... I can honestly say that when and if I believe someone lies to me that will not have to doubt it. I bowed right back up on her. She soothed the larl claws back in with a gentle nudge that she was just teasing. I think we still have baby claws, they aren't all that sharp yet but we did a nice job of scratching on the post there.

After that we had a wonderful time whispering in sleen's ear and listening to her talk in her sleep. Or I did anyway. But that was also when I realized what Akasha was not talking about. I couldn't explain why I couldn't explain and explaining that was just making her more miserable. Ah ha .. I got it. Talk to Cana.

She realized too in a way why it was so hard for me to talk about what we weren't talking about. Made for the beginning of a wonderful conversation about not not talking and how we both were really bad at it or is that really good at it. The confidences we shared after that brought us closer together.

It is a funny thing sometimes how you can become the expert on something you are trying to learn and learn all that you are trying to teach in the same moment. I think that is the truest definition of friendship right there. I am going to hold on to that until I find a better one. So I am hearing my own voice as I tell her .. be proud of who you are, one with a unique story to tell and I hear her telling me ... never forget your strength. And there was blue in the middle of it all sort of blinking and grinning 'cause she didn't see anything else but two tuchuk women standing there.

Tell me your story .. please. And we did. Mine began I am a woman that came from the stars knowing that this was where I belonged. Hers began that she was proud of her people and her home. She dragged me by the hand to her wagon and I wound up dragging blue with us. The two of them had to have been conspiring for a while to ambush me like that .. wily Tuchuks. Each gave me a gift in turn. Akasha handing me half a blanket that had a most intricate half circle on it, she had the other half. One soul that dwells in two bodies.

I thought blue was going to burst into a multitude of little pieces before she could give me her gift. I was already speechless .. yes me speechless .. go figure. When she slipped the little silver bell in my hand, smoke got in my eyes. Through the choking swell in my throat I told them the story of why the name bell ... cloche ... meant so much to me. It was all I could do to kiss them both and run, not walk back to my wagon, holding the new treasures close to my heart.

Sharpening Claws

Everything has rules even sharpening claws.

Rule Number 1. No surprises. Make sure your kaiila knows you are there - approach so that he can see you and talk to him as you do. Position yourself by his shoulder, pet his neck and move your hand down his shoulder and leg checking for puffiness, tenderness or other problems down to just above his ankle.

Number 2. Grasp his leg at the back, keeping your thumb close to your hand. Then tell him to pick up. If he is used to being handled, he may comply immediately, if not then squeeze in with your thumb and forefinger until he obeys.

The list goes on.

The rules and lessons that were being provided were hands on for the first mount that Cana had segregated out. The remainder I would be allowed to tend to. By the time I was finished several of the creatures sported brand new pedicures. Oooh they did look sharp and yes that pun was very much intended. See wrist, knee and calf for proof.

It hadn't taken near as long to see to that task as I thought and with the extra time I had left over, I lavished Bluesky with a good rub down. No matter how much affections she gets, she still sighs mournfully and noses tufts of grass petulantly. It is almost endearing how much she misses Trilock. Cana and Noya's concern is showing more visibly as well. I'm not good at consoling, not with my trip over my own tongue and land on everyone's face not just my own abilities. I say something funny to make them laugh but that doesn't really help, I know.

My own growing sadness made me feel as if I were slogging around in quicksand, just going in deeper and deeper. I didn't want to bring everyone around me down so I kept putting on happy faces, smiling, nodding, making jests, teasing and making others laugh. Even when I petted the sweet mare and walked away, I wondered if her misery was real or whether she was picking up and emulating what she felt in me or vice versa. Purely selfish thoughts there but they were mine and I gave them freedom for a little while.

My shoulder was hurting almost continuously now and at times the stretch or roll of it didn't alleviate any of the growing burn or ache. I brushed Barhk off when he asked about it. I'd had Petra look and she said she didn't see anything wrong except a small ragged gash from where I'd hit the post. A dab of salve and it should be fine soon.

All of that slipped my mind when I saw the men begin working a few of the colts in cutting maneuvers. Looked like a few new wagers to get in on, and a lot of fun riding between the barrels. New lesson, never bet against Corbin. That man knows his stuff. I won a few and lost a few so I broke even in the end ... sort of. I was out a few eggs but I went home with a few kaiila talons. Oh now those were going to be tasty for first meal, weren't they?

The last of the evening I spent with two of the mares. These would be the ones that would foal the Ubar's new acquisitions. What they ate, how they ate, how well they were exercised would be part of how well those new babes did when they hit the ground. It was an investment to me. There was a bit of concern growing for one, her belly looked painfully huge. You could see the limber limbs of the whelp she was carrying sticking out past her ribs. It wasn't going to be an easy birthing and everyone around the pens didn't seem to want to talk about it with me.