Stream of Consciousness

“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” Aristotle


The following morning I felt somewhat better .. the why is not important .. just that I woke with a purpose for the day. Show me something and I will repeat it, adding more accuracy with each repetition, like Sahli's slight of hand. I had practiced .. over and over again until I could re-create the illusion with an ease. I am a hard headed woman and quite honest about being one. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes it is a self induced torture. I had not taken Cana's well meant advice of having time for myself so that my ill health and fatigue meant that I was growing proverbially 'sick and tired' of everything.

Today, I would take for myself, spend a little time at my wagon, enjoy my new found relationship with Sin ... improve the one with Me Too, and just go for a walk while the window of nice weather permitted.

It all began at the fires and would end at the fires, coming full circle.

Blackwine just tastes less bitter when you share it among friends. Two women were already there when I arrived, and in my usual way, I tread all over their conversation. I was lovingly forgiven. I remember Isu .. she is marked in my memory despite her quietness, but let me tell you ... there is an oddness to the feeling when a Spex says .. I know of you. Being known of by a Haruspex was one of those things that could mean wow or oh shhhht so I picked some middle ground to take that. There is that quick whisper inside that says ... please, please .. let that be a good thang.

We spoke of Kam and Chay returning. Now it may surprise many, but I was looking forward to seeing both. There is a deep respect for them and a deeper rooted want to know them better. I know Tarra will enjoy seeing her father, she misses him regardless of how tough she may seem on the outside. As a diversion to more tender subjects, my fitful nights seemed to intrigue her. She offered to come see what disturbed my sleep. I had to confess that I'd grown irritable to the point I could not even stand my own company. Her offer to send a few things that would help just made me instantly think of Falon and her 'cures.' Oh no no no no no. The truth was ... why I did not sleep well was something I didn't actually want to 'fix' right now. Not yet.

Exploring philosophies with Tarra is always like being at a wine tasting, there is as much enjoyment in rolling the flavor of a new vintage over your tongue as there is biting into a lush bit of fruit to clear the palette. We found humor in my 'spells' of silence then sudden gushes of prattle. We had spoken of intuitions versus instincts, and the complexities of humanity. We each are different, like flavors in a stew. It is what makes life interesting, to pick and choose through which bites you wish to relish and which you toss from your bowl.

We fell into easy conversations of growth, learning, beliefs. I listened to the pearls of wisdom ...
never lose sight of basic traditions .. those are a strength but do not be blind to things that are new. Right now .. everything is new and I like that, as maddeningly, infuriatingly, deliciously insane it makes me feel ... I like it. There are times too that I simply feel blind, unable to see anything at all, but that is living isn't it? Something she said then would stick with me the rest of the day ... It is that looking and searching that pushes us to live and reach for more. Reach? Skies there it was. Profound enlightenment! It didn't mean I had all the answers but I swallowed it .. that and the bite of bosk I'd been chewing on and choked, laughing, pounding on my chest to get it unstuck.

'Reach' is not just a verb ... see when you have ... it becomes a noun. That was going to be allowed to dry to form jerky I would chew on later. But for now, a stroll to the stream just felt ... right.

It would be there, gazing down through the liquid surface, studying the pebbles in its bottom .. gray shadows, and changing my focus to see how some of them jutted through to the air above ... black, white as their definition altered, the mingling of soil and grass that formed the bank that held it all contained ... sienna and emerald, and the reflection of the sky dancing over it ... blue, gray and white. Where the hues of one layered upon another it was hard to tell which you saw until the eyes shifted and narrowed in to find the true source.

What I saw with my eyes, my heart and mind ... like a dream spoke in abstract conceptualism to help me understand. What I stood behind of relationships, love, family, profession had all been based on what I knew but as I had sat there at the fires listening to others speak of each of these things there had been a new flicker of something that had shaken the foundations of what I believed. I began to look and listen with eyes and ears of what truths I would pass down to my children. Could I tell my son or daughter of love, life ... truths and know that within the innocence of the eyes that mirror back that these would be what they would emulate?

While my mind raced to see and understand all that swirled inside of it .. a dried twig eddied in the current ... floating its merry way without a care until it bumped into one of the abuttments of a rock. Braced there, it's other end would have looked as if it toppled had it been standing aright but on its antigravitational journey ... this little twig changed part of its direction until it wedged .. caught between two stones and the water dammed up behind it. It was then that the sky reflected most on my liquid wonderworld, bringing a smile that came from somehwhere deep within. I watched in silence until the pressure gently nudged the twig free. Once again the current carrying it on further down the stream. I watched for a moment then turned to look back to the small pool that had held all my curiosities before. The pebbles on the bottom looked that much clearer .. that much smoother.

I pondered more as I walked away ...

happiness ...

as well as the illusions of it.