Loaded with lots of goodies in it

Sometimes conversations around the fires break into smaller segments, all of them open to participation if one desires, individually or integrally. Fonce and Aiyana were talking about missing pieces and it sounded like one of those subjects that might have enough missing pieces you could embarrass yourself jumping into the middle of. Cana and sleen were talking about a Master who was good with wild things. Well sleen was talking about him and Cana was just nodding. Knowing sleen that could have had a million different meanings and probably none of them I wanted to get wound up in.

I did manage to ask my mentor if I could speak to her about tack. It didn't have to be right then but perhaps tomorrow. In the agreement she also offered me my next task. One that wasn't going to need any gear. I could do that, no problem. She was right pleased I had finally gotten that big dumb stupid head kaiila of mine saddle broke and said it was something to be proud of. I would be once the bruises began to heal. Oh evil, evil wench had to pop up and say I just needed a mate to kiss all the boo-boos and make them better. I almost spit the blackwine I was drinking, straight into the fire. I am soooooo pleased that all the men had wandered off and it was just us women there by then. Damnable matchmaker. I was going to try and wriggle out of that sleek grasp any way I could. Winds let me get caught up on tasks and finish working off trades before she mates me off. Uh no thank you .. err ... one stubborn tuchuk male at a time and Sin was terribly possessive. Just checking to see if I was paying attention my ..ahh .. foot.

I was grateful for sleen's offer to serve. Yes, yes please, more blackwine .. loaded with lots of goodies in it and no .. no hot wax, no open air leathers and no kissing boo boos. It didn't seem to matter, the topic of men was still there when I sent her off only it was someone else that was doing the talking this time. I do enjoy the stories. Amore, agape and lagnia were at times light hearted intermissions from some of the harder tales of pain and loss that they had begun to weave for me. At times ... speaking of death was easier than the depth of emotions that the re-telling of love could inspire. Life doesn't promise mercy any more than it promises comfort. But skies some of the things they can bring up are embarassing, painful, confusing.

Leave it to sleen to go straight for the jugular when she got back. Why did I block out some of the things she said, didn't I once enjoy them as she does? It was not easy to answer openly and honestly there in front of so many but then I wasn't going to jump and run hide my head to avoid it either. Truth was I had more imagination than experience to go on and the other side of my furs didn't offer any extra warmth. A deep breath believng we could go on to a new subject came to a crash when the girl up and asks ... and with a look of complete and total naivety at that ... was I a virgin? No. There! Satisfied? There is a difference between no longer having that shred of maidenhead and knowing the depths of desires. I had no intentions of answering anything further but I did hold my head up high, maybe with a seething insolence straining under the weight of my chin. There was something in her eyes that made it all a little easier to swallow when she told me that one day she hoped someone would give it to me in a hot and desirable way. Oh I do too, sleen ... I do too.

Oh damn, Oh damn, the dam was straining behind all that too. Please! The porcelain patina was crumbling, cracking away in little chunks. Goooo away. Please, just go away. Cana and her soft spoken tests that took me to brinks far beyond the surface of what I did with my hands .. the epitome of all the things that I want so dearly, Akasha with her in your face innocence that she wasn't aware enough to realize that others around her weren't ... innocent, sleen and her brazen confidence in carnality. I loved them all but why were they all not just simply fading into mists. Cana's maternal kiss against my temple when she said good night soothed the fact that I was still here, still very much right there among everyone gathered. Akasha's warm embrace before she went to take her bath had some comfort to it. Raven bounding away to gather water finally left me with Aiyana and sleen. Aiyana and I had grown close long ago so I felt at ease sitting there with her. And sleen ... I found that if you pet that little attention wench she doesn't open that mouth as much.

So we settled in with the glow of the fire shading our features and creating mysteries in the shadows. I have, ever since meeting the weaver liked plundering in her basket, getting up in her space and she has always welcomed it. I rummaged through the bounty of colors offered in that little cubbyhole and asked if I could have a piece of one .. a dusky blueish gray. It reminded me of someone, though I kept that to myself. While we talked, I shared a fond memory from my childhood with her, not in words but something much simpler. Just a little game. She shared with me something of her own, not so much in words but the depths of what I could see in her eyes .. loneliness, sorrows, joys and the delicate lights of friendship, and hopes. So many of the things that must be in mine. She will always be the one person I am closest to. We don't talk often but then .. we don't need to.

It felt like being little girls or maybe giani kittens while we played with the yarn. We even included sleen in the mix. I goosed the girl just so she would open that little bow of mouth and with every bit of wicked intention .. I stuffed a ball of twine between her teeth.

The whole day had been like a bowl of blackwine loaded with lots of goodies in it, strong, sweet, creamy, hot, bitter.

Manna and nectar

I'd sought one of the leather workers knowing that I had little to trade to replace what I'd destroyed. I knew the stuff I had was a time bomb waiting to detonate into more of the same crumbled heap that it had begun. That was going to happen eventually whether it was my inability to contain my temper or the animal's sheer strength and will against it. Her distractions were certainly inderstandable but I myself felt that I had failed to get her to understand how pivotal this situation was to me. I didn't need big, bigger, best. I needed functional and unfortunately, thanks to no one else but me, myself and I ... I needed it now. My frustrations were mounting into a ... well ... into a mountain.

Raven. Beautiful sweet, mud covered raven. It was her bubbly nature that touched into the growing melancholy that evening. She brought the smiles that kept me from sliding over an abyss of feeling miserable or at least she had a damn good hand hold of whatever she could get a damn good hand hold of, to keep me from plunging in a free fall. You know how she likes to cop a good feel whenever she can. No silly, not literally this time .. figuratively. Of all the enslaved women about the camp, she was the one that asked if I needed anything and it actually registered in my brain that she was asking if I needed anything. She couldn't curb my temper and she couldn't make me feel better about having broken part of a wild animal's spirit. She couldn't make the straps of leather magically re-adhere themselves together but she could do one simple something for me, send some water down to the pens. Just that. I didn't ask her to do it herself, she was a busy woman. She could have any slave of the entire harigga do it for her. Just see it done and somewhere on the inside I was saying ... please.

I wallowed in my self-pity and self-abuse for the next few ahns back at the pens, trying to burn the ache of muscles, the agony of my mind and the heavy weight of the entire day off. It was by no means working for me and by the time I slipped back through the fence rails to call it a day, I was a physical, mental and emotional wreck.

It was then I saw perhaps the most precious gift anyone could have given me at the moment. A special touch that wrenched at my insides enough to yank me up out of my doldrums. There on the post were a few botas and a bag of honeyed nuts. When I looked around, I could see the wiggle-waggle of pert bottom fading into the shadows back toward the camp and it made me smile.

So right there, perched on the top of the fence with manna and nectar offered by a goddess, I watched the day tuck itself beneath the covers and a kiss of moonlight to wish it sweet dreams.

Ain't throwing in the towel

In the burning heart - just about to burst,
Theres a quest for answers, an unquenchable thirst,
In the darkest night - rising like a spire,
In the burning heart - the unmistakable fire.
In the warriors code - theres no surrender,
Though his body says stop - his spirit cries - never!
Deep in our soul a quiet ember,
Knows its you against you, its the
Paradox that drives us on -
Its a battle of wills, in the heat of attack,
Its the passion that kills -
The victory is yours alone.
~ Burning Heart

I admire the ferocity of his heart. I can feel the beat of it, hear it. It calls to me. Did he know why I was here today? Did he sense what was coming? Staccato stomps of his claws, the flare of his nostrils and the sling of his head was defensive to the point of antagonistic. It was unusual even of such a magnificently arrogant beast as he was.

He reared time and again as I neared to grasp the reins. One hand held out to the sky, the other finally managing a firm grip of the leather straps, we began. Regardless of which direction he moved, I was there, moving with him, still in his path. He was not going to run me down. I could see that in his gaze and that small bit of protectiveness was what I was exploiting to weaken him. If he tried to pass, I walked or ran with him until we both met the ends of the ropes and maneuvered him in next to the rails. His efforts filled with the adrenalized energy of struggle, mine of determination. If the other hands tried to step in, I waved them away. This was between us.

When he broke to run, I allowed the ropes to extend between us until they caught against the post in the center of the corral, wrapping the leads into the grooves where they would slide with ease. I met him there face to face. The soft pruffs and clicks of my tongue seeking to sooth the wild fury of defiance. Over and over again, he would seek escape only to find me there. He was expending his stores of reserve far faster than I was of my patience ... close mind you, at times really close.

I lost track of time, focusing only on the untamed fire in his eyes. Sweat trickling from my brow was stinging my eyes and blinding me until I raked my face against a towel. I had somehow taken it with me from the fires and now had it draped over my shoulder. His pelt was lathering, saliva dripping from his lips where his panting from exertion had expanded beyond his tongue. His pacing strides had begun to slow. It was time.

It would be a test of my strength now as I motioned for the old weather beaten saddle to be handed to me. I didn't want something new and shiny. I wanted this one because of it's meaning to me .. to us. I hefted it in one hand while I closed the circle around the post until I was closer to his side. I would have been sorely disappointed if the first attempt had succeeded. Or for that fact the next several in a series.

The recent rains had created slickened puddles in the ring for me to slide in more than once, not to mention the buffeting of that massive maw or flank to push me away. I kept no more count of how many attempts I made than he did. When the taste of leather found his spine, I had to smile watching him try one more buck to throw it. He was cinched up against the wooden stob so it was easier to step in and begin buckling the stirrup straps. I had to be quick, I could not afford for him to catch his breath.

No sooner were the buckles jerked tight, I let loose the rope and hitched up by the pommel. All I was able to do in that brief amount of time was flick the towel across to Corbin and settle in for the ride. No matter how much the kaiila tried to outrun, out-wrangle the strange weight of gear and woman on his back, I was in command of the reins. I was going to feel every bone jarring movement he had made later and I knew it. One good miss timing and I felt the barrier between the rails jamb into my shoulder. I ignored the pain or maybe I was simply oblivious to it in being so focused at the moment. All that I trained my attention on was the fact his growing fatigue had him stumbling and slowing.

When Sinewy finally came to a stand still dipping his head, pawing at the ground, the men let out those raucous sleen calls and whistles they were famous for. I let my guard down and it was all it took for the thunderous creature to have one last say. A hefting launch of his haunches set me into the air, flying into the mire of the corral. Vreeland, Barhk and Gabriel all spilled over the fence like a pack of lemmings headed my way to get me up and out from under the beast before he trampled me. My mount on the other hand had a whole different perspective of this oncoming mob, and with all the fire breathing snorts and aggressive lunge of a warrior he met them just feet in front of me. The spray of dirt and mud covering their leathers almost up to their knees.

Scrambling hurriedly and reaching up, I grabbed at the reins and stood with every muscle and joint in agony but it was the men I held my hand, palm up to.

Its alright .. Its alright.

I leaned into Sinewy then, my cheek against the still wheezing softness of his and felt the almost tender nudge back. I walked him back to the pens, grabbing that cloth back from Corbin as I passed. Before I gave any thought to cleaning up and tending to the wounds I'd suffered .. it would be a rub down, brushing and a good meal for my mount.

For some, this would have been a golden glorious moment, syrupy coated with triumph but it wasn't. Knowing I had changed the world of someone that meant so much to me was an empty ache. No matter how much of his spirit I had left intact, it still remained that I had taken his freedom from him. From this moment on in some way he would always be connected to mankind, dependent on them. He was no longer just a captive but part of their world, part of my world. That agony surfaced in me as anger, a quiet rage, barely bridled in itself. When I went to put the halter away, I did not have the control of my shaking hands and the intensity I felt inside became tangible when I snapped the halter onto its peg. The force broke the already fragile dry rot and I watched it fall to the dirt in pieces. There laying in a heap now was part of my capability to become clan, my future. The twisted rubble of my anger staring me in the face.

It took all I could do to drag my butt back to the wagon to remove some of the dirt and grime and make myself more presentable. I didn't notice until after I had washed up that there were more than mud stains on the rep. It didn't matter whether it was all mine or someone else's, those frayed ends of leather was all I really seemed to be able to see.

Grass and Dirt

On the happy, golden shore,
Where the faithful part no more,
When the storms of life are over, meet me there;
Where the night dissolves away
Into pure and perfect day,
I am going home to stay, meet me there.
Meet me there, meet me there,
Where the tree of life is blooming, meet me there;
When the storms of life are o’er,
On the happy golden shore,
Where the faithful part no more, meet me there.
~Fanny J. Crosby

He was looking beyond the grass out onto the horizon when I approached. It was just a glance over his shoulder at me then returned to just watching the plains .. his plains. It made me curious as to what he could see so I moved in closer, standing there just watching too. It was that way for a long time, side by side until he turned to look at me again. No saddle, no blanket. I pulled on his mane, stuck a boot sole into a shoulder and swung up on his back. I wasn't expecting him to buck or throw me. I wasn't there to break him. I just wasn't tall enough to see. There is no telling how long we were there together that way. It seemed like forever, and felt like the blink of an eye. I did have to hug that lanky neck to lean precariously over so I could see him eye to eye. There was that mirror again, with all of the grass, the rolling vastness of the plains and me in there. Sort of choked me up a little, enough I slithered off to land on my feet in a puff of dust. When I headed back toward the harigga, he stood there for a few more ehn then just turned to watch me walk away.

Best of Intentions

Please tell me you will remember
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along


Blades of grass twirled in my fingers while meditations twirled in my head just about as furiously. I'd worried the delicate strands until my hands had become stained green. I had plunged right back through the looking glass to look beyond fear. It was unfair of me to place Cana in such a position that she felt she needed to be an intercessor for me. However compassionate her intentions, hers and so many others as well, it was time for me to stand on my own.

I had a good conversation with Fonce of his guardianship and a not so good one with blue. So far the day was going fifty - fifty.

The skies ability to twist time and events to suit its own purpose was something that I would have to get used to, something I could not change. Nor would I ask it to. However grateful I am that there has been strengths that has grown from the experiences, its creativity from now on, would have to draw from the interactions in my life instead of the palette of my thoughts.

It was good to see Akasha when I headed for the warmth of the fires. She was soon brooding over how to help me out with my 'problem' with Sin. I did appreciate her concern but began explaining that each day that our hardheadedness clashes we learn respect for each other, finding the strengths in each other that worked together.

One of the men there seemed to understand and added that if it was to be a relationship to last a lifetime then it needed a strong foundation. That it takes time. We fell into an easy discussion of families and for the first time I didn't feel an ache of not having one. It was the first time I didn't feel uncomfortable just talking with someone or a need to avoid certain topics or subjects.

He had instantly picked up on my love for histories asking if I were of the Story Tellers. It was something I enjoyed but I have a strong devotion to my clan. Wasn't that the third time today I had said that very thing? I listened as well to the pride in his voice while he offered the line of his ancestors and in a way absorbed it as part of my own. I appreciate that he gave me that gift. He spoke of respect with respect.

Now a sense of humor is something I can enjoy too. I watched in amusement as he tossed sleen over his shoulder and walked away teasing the women he left at the fires. Well, until Akasha went off on him about him not invading her dreams ... then I was simply wondering what exactly I missed.

Jabberwocky

I've been alone
I've been afraid
Everyone's frightened, everywhere
The sweet Lord soothes our tears
Our many tears
Our world has...many people in it,
People who can be your friends.
But you have many things to learn
Don't you want that?
You have big things
You know big things
But... you don't look into each other's eyes
And you're...hungry for quietness
I've lived a small life
I know small things
I've lived a small life
And I know small things.
But the quiet forest is full of angels
In the daytime there comes beauty
In the nighttime, there comes happiness
I know...
loved ones
I know everyone goes
Everyone goes away
Yeah... I guess so
Don't be frightened
Don't weep
I have no...
greater sorrows than you
~ Nell

Static

Static is the last thing you need when you see me ~Tupac




Awareness was the first sense. Awareness of my own paralyzing terror, slick, hot, creating its own scent. This was what flooded me then filled in the details. I felt the warm softness against my cheek, plushness that held no pleasure in its presence. That breath, masking my face, dampening it with more than its own moisture.

With a slow careful cut of my glance I narrowed in on the small source of light, a saliva coated gleam only a hort away from piercing its way through, the glide of another against the channel of blood that pulsed in my throat held me deathly still. The ripple of fur along the muzzle easing back the red stained lips from the fang. The sound of the warning growl washing over me, caressing the fine hairs on the back of my neck to perfect attention.

It was a struggle to drag air into my completed lungs, agonizing inside of it to remain perfectly silent, perfectly motionless. One precise powerful plunge away from the gnash of those teeth which would sever sight, sound and life as they met. I closed my eyes and willed myself to surge upward with everything that I had. Falling through the barrier above me, forcing myself awake as if sleep itself had a death grip dragging me back in to finish the clamping of those jaws.

I sat up on my furs confused, lost, helpless in trying to understand. To untangle what was real and what was .. something else. I heard the voices of memories in tidbits of sound, like whispers in my head, swirling until they filled the inside of my wagon.

They are dreams

They are just dreams. They are just dreams. It felt like a mantra as I said it over and over again in my thoughts until it gave way to another voice.

Your dreams are powerful.

That was what all of the seers had told me .. all but one.

the past is coming

It can't be that. I have bid my past farewell in every way I know. What remnants that are left are small, lingering only in random memories. Think girl .. think. What are you afraid of?

coming through in your dreams

What could possibly be coming through my dreams?

as fear.

I'm not afraid.

There was nothing I had that was so extreme now to fear. My tests and trials were going well. Could my worry of suceeding be this intense? A bit anxious yes, but I'm not afraid.

Yes, you are but you do it anyway.

Was it acceptance by those around the fires? Could wanting and needing their approval be such a strong emotion that I felt they could snap me in the legth of a breath? They had been so overwhelmingly welcoming that at times it almost brought me to tears. Him? The yearning ache for his love in return that I could summon this kind of terror? He did not scare me like this, not in anyway that compared. What .. what fear did I have that could bring such vision to my dreams?

Free yourself

I'd faced the issues with my father. I had. I had. My mind fretting, fumbling now with all of the unturned stones that could lurk in the corners, creep from the niches.

from fear.

The dawning filled me and I felt the slow rush of breath squeeze from my constricted lungs. I knew that face. I'd seen it before. The last time ... the first time .. I had screamed, covering my eyes, covering my ears and shut out ... everything.

Breastplate of Righteousness

What dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin?

Was it the total picture or each of the parts coming into focus that burned itself into the gray matter of my head? The leather clad helmet of battle and the chains that secured it resting inside, the seepage of a wound and mottled stains on the rep the slave carried? The image of the jerkin that fit closely benath all of the warrior's gear or picturing the mount that failed him now laying slain for it's failures?

My invasion of the scene was with a yelp of triumph and the long winded prattle, unleashing the excitement of an accomplishment. I did it! Jaella was there speaking with him of a leather vest she had made for him. Whether it was protective covering to ward off cold, as more padding beneath his coat to defend against a lance or ceremonial dress for his position as Ubar, she was offering him something that was for his benefit and I interupted it all.

It hits me hard now thinking back of how I could have sat there so bursting at the seams proud of having merely gotten Sinewy to accept the blanket while the man rinsed away blood from his injuries ... of how he sat talking with me of my small triumph as if I had conquered the world. One of his kaiila had not turned quick enough to keep him from being injured during a battle. It didn't make any difference if it were a practice spar or the heights of all out war. It had not held to the potential that could have been the thin line between his rider's life or death.

I knew even before he spoke of what had become of the animal, I knew I was about to tread dangerously into the realm of war beasts, of men and death bringers. I offered to help train him. It was too late. There was no remorse in hearing of the demise of the kaiila, the loss was felt more in knowing that the training of the kaiila had failed more than the animal itself. If it were not capable of upholding and defending a warrior during combat then it should never have been saddled as a mount for a commander.

He offered a gift that still startles me in the weight of its responsibility. There were going to be two new foals to train within Fonce's herd. If I made it into the clan then he would like me to train them. There were two things I told him then and there. First that I would consider that a great honor and secondly .. there was no 'if'. I will continue to work hard until I am accepted.

His words echo, 'I will not have a kaiila that cannot dodge a lance .. it is worthless to me'. The safety and well being of as many of the Tuchuk warriors that rode a kaiila lay in the hands of the kaiila clan. In time his safety and well being could depend in part on how well I handled those beasts. I understood the serious far nore now.

Remember

It had begun as a slow ambling ride at the ridge just beyond the harigga. Ebet was keeping a close eye on me and sort of enjoying a few ahn being out beneath the stars as well. Poor Akasha almost got knocked off her saddle when she rode up with Trang. Quick introductions I think prevented a massacre in A minor.

Dang it she had her kaiila already blanket broke, saddled and now she had him out and about for a ride. Big dumb stupid head beast of mine was still munching back at the pens. Smirking no doubt. The lanky pace afforded us being able to talk while the men tuned out the chatter. I have to digress here to say that first, the original idea of revenge had been Akasha's but in confession ... how ... was my idea. Technically Saresh started it all with the stopper. I just thought it needed a little color. Pink was the first choice but in the end reddish orange .. bright reddish orange was going to be the newest fashion, right between the eyes.

There were still things going round and round in my head so I plucked out one that seemed pretty easy going. Did she know how to use a bow and arrow? Sure enough she did and she didn't mind teaching me. I could check that one off my to do list. I eyed her for a moment then threw down that challenge again. Race ya! No real thrill winning by default, takes some of the sass out of the bragging rites. One good tschk of my tongue, a lash of the reins and a rap of my heels in against the stirrups and I was off. I was calling back over my shoulder name the ante .. lizards or eggs. I ended up raising the pot with winner cooks for the loser and betting I could beat the pants off Ebet as a side wager. He said as long as he was in them I was on.

The harigga had no idea we were headed their way at break neck speed. Traversing through gulley washes, urging the beasts up small inclined ditches and leaping a few brush and bramble on our way.I know it was a suicide move but neither one of us could help letting go the reins and throwing our hands in the air. I left a full blown rebel yell echoing across the plains then closed my eyes as it felt as if the wind itself had grown static around Keah and I. I drank it in like a woman dying of thirst, with my hands outstretched as if they cupped the rich velvety blue of the night itself to gulp from.

As we passed the first of the outrider wagons, Akasha was a halter strap behind me, Ebet in a close third and Trang pulling up the rear. I won. I WON!

Maybe we could race at the games next season. Let's see those dwellers try to outrun a plains kaiila. In gasping breaths of thrilled excitement, I asked her if she was ready to go home. She seemed to inhale the word, letting it fill her lungs as I had the savor of the winds. Home.

After seeing the mounts were walked enough to cool them and the lather of their pelts brushed out, she headed for her wagon and I headed for mine. She yelled across the rows just before she disappeared ... Kaiila dreams sister. Remember the taste of freedom today!

As part of each other

I wanted, needed someone to share this overflow of feelings with. If I could not share the shadows or the darkness then please please let me be able to release some of this wonderment with someone. I wanted to run to find him and circle him in peeling giggles and delighted squeals, to share with him how good it felt to have accomplished something. I ran through the rows of wagons, hoping for just one glimpse of the person I wanted to share everything with. How angry or upset it made anyone else didn't matter to me at the moment. I looked and I looked feeling the momentum beginning to fade. It wasn't his steps that I found my feet prancing to in the end. I went where the lure drew me. It was somewhere I had not expected to end up but as I dropped to the ground at the bottom of the last riser and the melody that had been wafting through the harigga became a breathless tangle of unstoppable excitement.

Sweet Tarra. How her eyes lit with tender amusement, listening to it all, encouraging every last drop with the small phrases .. yes? ... You did? How did you do? I just let it all pour out over her as naturally as it came. Wonderful! She was smiling with the kind of smile that lights up the eyes. Yes it was wonderful. The scent so familiar began to tickle beneath my nose ring and at last I looked around. I had interrupted something even though she offered reassurance I hadn't. Even if my fingers never dared to touch the bits of leather, the bundle of sage or the scattering of beads, nothing was left out of my exploring eyes. She knew I had overdone the day with the wince as I moved to sit next to her. I couldn't refuse her beckon any more than the one that had drawn me here in the first place.

You are creating ... I left off the rest having seen prime example of the finished product I noticed here now. She said that the design in the leather would eventually be little boots. I tried to see what she saw through her eyes while she spoke affectionately of how Cana was using the old ways to teach the clan. The practice on your own mount as proof of the skills we were learning. If I wished she would show me how to become one with the animal and for a moment I had to seek the depths of her eyes for the meaning behind her offer. It had a ring to of it of something beyond just the rise and fall of hips in the saddle. Yes. Yes, I would like that. I would know when it was time. Those words didn't seem out of place but understood in a strange way that left me with a sense of peace rather than impatient frustration. Her question of whether I knew how to use a bow and arrow did leave my cheeks a bit washed in color. The last time I had used one was when I was a young girl and it was nothing more than a toy. It seemed enough so that she could continue to ask more. Where did I come from? There is no secret to my origins so that left the topic open for more detail. I began to tell her about the mystical place along the coastline, a place where blankets of fogs and mists rolled over swamps, moss dripped from trees like the twines of serpents ready to plummet. I spoke of the lonesomeness and of the woods and sea that had been my only friends. I look almost the epitome of my mother and try as much as I might I could not see any of my father in me. I have never wanted to so if there was, I refused to see it. There was much of my mother I didn't want to emulate. I loved her dearly but could not see relinquishing the fire of the spirit until there was nothing left but .. nothing.

Reaching out to bring her to me, I delved into who she was, what she was like, wanting so much to know her more. It began by mentioning the mandala she had sent. I knew it was powerful. All doubts of what its purpose was for was brushed away. She spoke of having given me what is part of me. Her belief that she would somehow shock me, somehow didn't. There was much I didn't fully understand but I knew there was nothing she should say or do now that would create more than a blink .. or two. I'm blunt at times, not meaning to pry too deep or to hurt but like another I knew she kept so much of herself guarded .. why did she allow me to be close when she did not others? It was simple. Because I had reached out, without reservation wanting to know. She placed in my hands and in my heart secrets that she shared with only few others. Those I would not nor will not share. They are hers, not mine to give away.

She knew how much love I had for one and wished he could see it. She was concerned of my heart, not wanting to see it crushed. An easy enough reassurance, my heart is still very much strong. I did not tell her it is stronger than even I understand. I have not given up on believing in him. How deeply she cares for him as a friend, as her Ubar was touching. We piqued on the topic of blue. She had tried to speak with Fonce of it and he had hurt her in his anger. Even still she is afraid that there was one that would hurt him, hurt him deeply. Had she not seen, one already had?

Still, there was this deep sense of longing that each could see, we all have something more in common. Maybe not just them but our people as a whole. As part of each other, the unity of our combined strengths could face whatever came. Two is strong, three is a braid unbreakable, imagine the strength of the mighty Tuchuk united as one. It didn't feel like the soft spoken voice of youth that answered her but an ancient one that betrayed more years than just one lifetime. She must rise above his anger and her own, to give in to it gives it power. He has to learn as well and that, that alone will hurt him more than anything or anyone. He has not learned because there was always someone there to offer bandage to the wounds he makes in himself, but no one ever sees to the wound. He covers it with a sling of anger.

Those safer subjects did not afford much safety for either of us when we turned to talk of our families. She knew what depths a mother's love could feel in the turning loose. For me in the beginning, becoming a slave was escape from things I could not race far enough through the galaxy to get away from, only to find they were welcoming committee right here when I arrived. I knew I could not remain a slave. What was it I saw behind those dark eyes of hers when she told me that was not my destiny. That I had become so much more than now than I knew. Who I was ... and what I want.

I ventured carefully to tell her there had been someone there with me to look over me when I was a child, to watch over me. I wanted her to know that I felt it was time to give back. Whatever it was. In time she reassured me, in time I would know until then she wanted me to know that just being me gave much all on its own. And in the softest of voices, like the whisper of a wind she told me I still had someone looking over me, whether I knew it or not. How quiet her voice was when she said he protected me still.

Then could she tell him I needed a good sit down talk? .. could she tell him for me?
I wasn't ready to hear what she said next ... 'I think you know how to do that'

Popping a cork

It was a good thing I was in such a good mood when I found the fires. Akasha was asking if I had gotten the things she sent over when blue popped right into the middle of the conversation to offer service. It grated on the edge a little but I wasn't about to insult the other woman to give in to the demand for attention. That is exactly what it was. It was all the more evident in, when she didn't get it immediately, the slave just up and walked away. It was not the first time she has done this but she was not in my service then, not in my space when she did it. I had already meant to speak to her of the last time but then I had been pretty busy with important matters. This time I wasn't going to let it go.

The other apprentice and I discussed the health, welfare and healing of some of the mounts we had been caring for. These initial trials could mean the make or break of our futures but far more importantly was the future of those that would ride them. In the meantime I found a point that I could call the slave to me. I did however leave her there at my boots to stew while I continued to talk of Sinewy and Akasha's beast and the wounds he had on his side.

So now that the girl had my full undivided attention just what it was she was offering when she interrupted moments before? Yes, I knew it was service even before she tried the rote answer. She was going to act as if she were confused about the question. Did she cease to offer it when she did not receive immediate attentions? No? Then why did she walk away? She was stoic in her response that my looking at her and my not responding to her plea to be able to serve was a silent gesture that she was not needed. Seemed like she needed a good lesson in silent gestures to me. Probably more so in respect and the basics of service. She wasn't mine or I .. I am not sure what I would do to her, yes I do. I knew Fonce had taught her better but her actions made him appear to be an inept Master. I know full well he isn't so I do not lay blame in his training of her. I proceeded to explain in slow, simple terms that I had looked at her because she had interrupted and if I had no wish for her service she would have been given notice, a word, a signal that couldn't be misunderstood. Did I want anything from her now? I was hungry and thirsty and I ached from the morning's work out but I was too angry now to enjoy the appeasement. What I wanted now was for her to see to the others, really hoping she could show the pride of her collar in doing so. I almost popped a cork when she interrupted someone else's conversation. Great skies, I thought Sinewy was stubborn. That was two. I let her know that she had just done what she had been reprimanded half ihn ago. And she gives me that huh .. duh look. She was in Seth's service by then and I would not insult his abilities to handle the slave. But she had one more in my book before I would take action. There are some that would not have the patience to give that much. I've seen hardened Masters in even the cities that would have ended her on just that first one. I did care for the girl but if someone fed her to the sleen I would not have had to ask why.

But speaking of popping a cork .. while I was talking with blue, Saresh had popped Akasha with a bota stopper saying that he was aiming at some big squishy bug. Then, Seth and Silken had approached and blue was sent to dance for the iron master. It wouldn't matter if blue kept it 'R' rated or plunged the moves into those pawpittipawtapaw backed porn positions, I figured it was time to snag Akasha and go for a ride. Maybe she snagged me but we got out of there fast before Silken rocked the girl's world in a way no pressure backed bottle cap ever could.

Back at the pens, the other woman and I took out two of the more intermediately trained rides. I knew one was built for speed and the other good at jumping. We tested their skills in many ways. The cutting abilities was a bit loose to me, the turns not quite tight enough. I worked Keah over and over making the swing was a little closer each time until he began to try to knicker. One quick pull on the reins and a solid thunk of my heels into his flank sent a mixed signal that dug his haunches in tight. We would try again with sounds and touch of approval when he did well and a firm hand when he gave me attitude. An idea was forming, and it was something I was going to talk to Vreeland about later. That would wait a while especially since I'd snitched his extra pair of leathers when my skirt was too tight to saddle up. I'd hitched them on with a rope belt beneath my dress. It would do for now.

Feeling a bit feisty now, I challenged Akasha to a ride. Let's see what the beasts were made of. It would be an out across the plains to the outcrop of rocks then off to the stream to let the kaiila have a drink. I have no idea where .. but I lost the woman. I, myself, was lost in the first real ride of freedom. I do admit I left a cussing kicking warrior soaking wet when I raced past him sending up plumes of water to douse him good. Yes, I know ... that was cold.

First Taste ...

of Sin

Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please
take me home
~Guns and roses

I rolled out of my furs dressing for the rendezvous I had planned every detail of. I grabbed a bota of water, some jerky, the thread bare blanket and jammed my feet into my boots. I was grinning by the time I jumped off the platform with one thought in mind ... Tall, dark and handsome here I come. I was still feeling plucky when I slid between the rails and stood right there in front of him, letting him know what I was there for and how serious I was about it all.

Tuchuk males have a glorious ego and his was highly offended that I could even think of such a thing. No one was going to tell him what he was or was not going to do, not even one he sort of liked .. a little. Taking the ends of the blanket, it caught in the air to spread and was snatched with an ease and tossed right back in my face before it could flutter down.

We can make it happen, we can make it happen ... yeah!

There were a few more attempts before I finally figured out I was going to have to change tactics. How about a little bit of soft purred coaxing?

Please. It will be so goood.

It did get me a bit closer, allowed me to sidle up to him all snugly comfortable, thinking yeah baby that's it, yes, yes!

That was the first time I felt the dust meet my butt. Not the last .. oh no. I am a stubborn woman and I was determined. I kept getting up and trying again.

Let's get this over with. You want it, you know it. Come on, let's do it.

No?

Ahh, a whole different idea sprang in my head. A sneaky one. Misdirection. I'm going to go now .. you win. I give up ... See I ammmm walking away annnnd I am never coming back. Ambush .. it worked!

No it didn't!

By now I was exhausted, breathing hard, my dress ripped in a few crucial places, dirt ground into my knees, into the leather on my back, bits of dried leaf in my hair, limping, feeling thoroughly ravished. Oh skies yes, I wanted another taste of that and I blew him a kiss on my way back to the wagon.

No big, dumb, stupid head kaiila was going to get the best of me and Sinewy had just better get used to that fact. I would be back.