jacta alea est

The die is cast ~ Julius Caesar (when he crossed the river Rubicon, the boundary between ancient Italy and the province of Cisalpine Gaul, he passed beyond the limits of his province of Cisalpine Gaul and became an invader in Italy, thus starting a war with Pompey and the Senate of Rome.)


I tried delving harder into being amidst the kaiila. Maybe it would burn away this eerie emotional state. I wanted to prove to Cana that I could be there for her, that she could depend on me while she was gone. Dumbass was behaving for a change and Bluesky soaked up tlc like a sponge. Vreeland had insisted that I take a new set of tack to the Mistress before she left. His urgency spoke of how much he cared even if it was sometimes in that brusk of his. I made sure the bundle was safely delivered to the steps of her wagon before I sought her at the fires. More new faces graced the flickering of warmth around the inner circle. I perked instantly hearing that one of them was a newcomer to the kaiila clan. Tuchuk are often an equal opportunity employer. Many times women work side by side with the men .. give a day's worth of work in blood, sweat and tears for a day's worth of being Tuchuk. The wages are the same for everyone ... living and living well.

The other woman, I learned was of the Ubar's clan, Tarra's clan, a seer. The rattle of the runes clicked over and over as she tossed them for whoever wished to see. Raven's fit to a T. Mayala's was deep and mysterious, much the same way the woman herself is.

I'm not afraid of massive hairy critters with snapping, snarling jaws or those with taloned claws that leave my face in the dirt, well, not much, alright I am but I don't back down from them, but I was oddly leary of the bones. It could have been that I didn't want anyone else to see or maybe just that I didn't want to face what they would say. The tension built until you could feel it crackle in the air as she studied them only to have to gather them in her hand only to roll them again. Clear your mind. I almost jumped out of my kalmak when Cana placed a tender touch on my shoulder, touching those scars. Kiryava began, slow, resonant as she spoke of the divining she saw. I listened as the fine hairs on the back of my nape stood to full attention. I felt the words crawling beneath my skin, etching into slithery places where light didn't dare shine. The synapses of my brain sparking to life, sputtering then giving in to a veiled mist of logic. It could all have meant a million things, taken a hundred ways, vague enough to be ne of those curls from the middle of a fortune cookie. Mistakes that brought wealth, not of a material nature. A malevolent force had left my life and with that departure I had found the right people, the right situation ... I was seeing the light.

I tried interupting with that manipulative trick my father had taught me .. nod and give the answer you want with a question mark on the end. People tend to be lazy minded and seek the easy route ... they agree rather than formulate their own thought to disagree. I laughed to cover how intensely the woman had affected me. and the dreams? They are just dreams right?

You are pretending to be someone you are not, you are hindering yourself and that is coming through in your dreams as fear. They are just dreams.

I didn't want to hear any more. Someone from my past was coming, be myself and do not fear.

See just dreams. Ha!

I thanked her for looking at the runes for me. Yep I was done, through, finished and more than ready to scramble out of there, tuck tail, head for cover. She wasn't through even though she had put the pieces away. If you continue to hide, to deny yourself and refuse to be fully you, there will be trouble. I felt the taloned claws rake all the way through my shoulder as she touched my chin and lifted my eyes to hers.

Free Yourself.

Cana knew it had upset me and offered comfort later after everyone had gone. She gave me choice to answer if I wished, a rare and treasured gift coming from her. It was hard to delve deep enough to offer her those underlying thoughts and emotions. We spoke of relationships ... I tried to be forthcoming but no I did not reveal what had disturbed me so, I couldn't, not even with this woman. She knew I struggled with perhaps more than anyone with things no one knows. It was all there but no one took time to notice. Is it the way with all men? It was as hard for her to answer in some ways as it was for me to ask. Some confuse love with lust and other things. I heard my own voice add

... with pain.

I could not help the wash that began to trickle down my cheeks when she told me that she felt true love did not come with pain. I wanted to tell her that sometimes it does. We may not want it, we may not need it but it is there, it is real and it hurts. Instead, I thought that I chose a safer topic by returning to the words of the seer, that she had been right, I was not being all I could be. I did try. I tried hard, I did but I didn't feel what the others do. She knew this was not what I had dreamed of as a small child but someone or something had stepped in to change it all, for good or for bad it was how my path had led me to this point in time.

Don't you think in some ways, that could be said of all of us, that we each have not yet reached our full potential?

Then she told me a story.