Loose Ends

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me
and I walk alone
~Green Day

How are you doing? It seems like such a simple question to answer but all of the vast feelings within were leaping and jumping ... 'pick me, pick me'. The turbulence beneath the surface wasn't going to be denied by the woman asking me. The fact that I had a home now that I could call my own she knew well was not the prize that I have sought all my life. On to the next safe topic, work with the kaiila was going well I thought and of course I had my sisterhood and all of the closeness that they offered. The emptiness left balancing in the air with all of the things that were not there. The crash course on how to be a Tuchuk freewoman was hard for me acclimate in and still retain sanity. Other women had a lifetime to learn the simplest of things and work their way up to the tougher ones. I'd had what .. a hand now? I felt like a performer in a complicated balancing act. There were a lot of plates that were threatening to slow down and wobble before I could get another one up and spinning.

Something I had picked up out of a previous conversation I brought up now in the privacy. I didn't want others to realize I didn't know. It was half question and half statement of dawning. Fonce was my guardian. In some recess in my head it was obvious but wasn't allowing it to dawn on me. He was the one that would see to my protection, to my safety. He had many women under his protection. I was no different than any of the others that came to the first fires without family. Cana was my sponsor to the clan. The rest was up to me. I guess I had hoped to have someone more objective to talk to, less ensconced in my life to be able to turn to for advice. My voice seemed to be mumbling from somewhere far, far away when I said I would tell him thank you for all he had done for me. Yes, the loose ends were being tied together. It was surpise that drew me back to hear that she didn't think he needed that. Now instantly in my head I was hearing raven's voice telling me not to ever try and get close to him again. Was she telling me the same thing? Had I hurt him yet again with my ignorance and naivety? Skies just lay me deep and wide right now. It didn't seem to matter how close or how far away I was, I was just good at it. So when she offered advice I greedily gobbled it up. He was my protector and would meet only the basic needs, as much as a man can, anyway. He would be the one everyone went to when I became trouble. For the rest I was to seek her. She would decide what he needed to be informed of.

The mention of brideprice ripped through me. Much of the discussion had to be through a steel wall of resolve to keep from breaking in two right there. One day a warrior would go to him to speak of mating and Fonce would set my worth. How I stammered over that, trying to find the right way to ease out one of those throat choking admissions ... I ... I was ... I wasn't ... I would not bring any price. It was the first thing that I felt sure of, had any confidence in at the moment. I wasn't ...well ... new even if I wasn't wanted for .. that or even for the lack of it. I remembered the echoing whisper against my ear that spoke of what I meant, what value I had ... nothing. At the time I had not been able to disconnect the sound of someone elses' voice rasping those same words. I'd been trying to shake it, to try and breathe, to stay alive and still thrive but it haunted me. She was trying to erase it all away with the fiery words she threw at me .. No I wasn't .. I was but what I was now was a Freewoman of the Tuchuk and worth as much as any among them.
I didn't want to think of anyone else in my life, I didn't want to think about someone going to him to ask for me. All I wanted to focus on was becoming Tribe, becoming part of the clan. Doing that meant I would have to face the rest of the emotions that were still kicking up such a ruckous but for now it was one thing at a time. I had my lessons, I had my tests. I needed to focus on them. Winds let me just do one thing right for a change. Was I sliding into some nameless abyss, losing my hand hold on what I was doing and where I was going. Still there was that soft voice that slid beneath it all beckoning me to follow. 'Trust me.'

I had. I would. I did.

Opening up why I was feeling as I did was something she needed to know, to understand. I was watching the reaction on her face and found myself begging inside nooo please don't do that .. don't laugh and as the expression changed I found myself pleading noo don't cry either. The whispers were confided in whispers that still wrench something inside of me. I could see her adding these things to what I had already spoken of and spoken to me about before. She had been the only person that knew what I had seen in my dream. The only person that had ever asked and she understood why I had I had done what I had done, the choices I had made. Part of me believed he knew too, that it was why he had never let me fully explain. It was better than accepting the alternatives. I could still hear her words trailing from previous conversations in my thoughts that he was a man that walked alone, that if there was someone for him, she was not someone anyone had met thus far.

My penchant for changing subjects she knew was when I had come to a place that was too hard to continue. I could always come back and pick up the path with renewed energy and vigor. There was Duran, Petra, Ebet, Vreeland and Barhk that helped watch over me and no I could not forget Rook. The list could rattle on and on. I could work and do mean work hard for the kaiila that I had picked out as payment for him. My lessons in saddle training would be with the dark tem colored male.

We spoke of tender topics in a way that allowed us both to skate on a glassy surface. The past was easiest to speak of love .. first loves. The man she mated had been much like Edmund, someone that time had allowed us to begin to know in innocence and continue to grow. Did I remember when we talked of destiny? She felt as if her former mate had been part of her destiny, the one that led her from being the scared little girl to the woman she was today. I didn't feel that way about Edmund. He had been my world, one that felt as if it ended when he died. And what I felt now was far different.

It was her turn to confide in me, some of that was hers and hers alone. A portion too was that in a way she felt as if this man was a part of my destiny. That much I did feel. Whatever inkling, whatever touch of knowing I had inside of what my destiny truly was, it would not unfold until I made my way back across the harigga to stand tall and be able to say with every bit of what was inside me ... I am a proud Freewoman of the Tuchuk.