Palpable

The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.
All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh? Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?
Cold Play ... Speed of Sound

When I returned to the fires my body ached from head to toe and there were so many thoughts racing around my head that I did not want to think any more. Tidbits of things that spiraled around and around threatening to loom upward snarling and snorting fire if I gave them a chance. I wanted to be around people, to lose myself in them, to be swallowed up so completely that all of the glimmers of dawning, all of the nagging little pinches of awareness tangled with being able to change the things I could, being unable to change things that were unchangeable and finding no wisdom or courage or serenity could have reason to be put aside. If not the fence was going the fence rail was going to was going to give to give more than a fracture.

I had to push aside my first reaction when I looked around the fires. My chest clinched up and felt as if it there were a massive fist there squeezing the air out of me. The first time, last time I had seen her was when he had thrown me from him for reaching out to offer an embrace. That had not been the reason for the free fall from paradise to limbo but it was an important instance right smack dab in the middle of it all. I found solace in the tunnel vision of making him soul proprietor of my focus. I put on a smile letting it build in the sights of the scope to become genuine. The weariness I saw weighting him kept me from even speaking for a few ehn. I shook off the rest of my thoughts leaving it all behind willing some part of my strength to be his. Maybe just the few moments I was next to him, he could rest, find those long relaxing thoughts. It was my one purely unselfish moment. But one of the Mistresses walked over pretty as you please to swat his arm asking if she could do anything for him. Sort of like when the nurse shakes you awake from some nice dream to tell you she has a shot that will help you rest. Since she had roused him I asked if he had eaten. He was too tired to even eat but he was still trying to be there for everyone else.

Across the fires the drummer and the singer had begun having words, the air growing even heavier ... palpable around the camp as I noticed it affecting the man next to me as well. It was the first time I was able to simply talk with him about anything, just talk but he wasn't there. My words just filled those empty awkward spaces of silence, transparent like the wind. I am not sure why but it seemed important to ask about the basket of beads and shells Tarra had given me. I just don't do something like that at the fires. That dark gaze found me somewhere in the soliloquy and he offered assurance that it was alright and oddly that he appreciated being asked. When I told him of the new responsibilities, he startled me, asking if it made me happy. This was not the time to let the tears steam my vision and release the floodgates of all the answer to that question .. maybe it was and I missed it. I stumbled trying to find positive truths ... being able to help does ... not being idle does. But specifically the kaiila? That I could answer affirmatively .. yes. The beasts similar to the ones I knew well on earth calm me. For a moment I wanted to tell him of Gilgamesh but I sensed that the mention would ... I answered instead that it was as if I could hear them ... understand them, that it was more intense with the wild animals than those that have been tamed. What Cana had said filled the moment when I heard the words spill off his tongue .. it was a gift ... one he saw often in the kaiila clan and less in other ones. That surprised me and my curiosity wanted to know more. I would have wagered my kalmak that his was the most sensitive. The haruspex get lost in their own heads with so much input that they have to shut some things out. Was it noise? No, it was things that fill the silence. I traded explaining how it felt with the animals .. an empathy, knowing what their drives and instincts were. He told me he didn't hear these things, a gift he did not possess. He left again though he didn't slip away to another realm or rise and walk from the fires. Perhaps the fence rail broke in his thoughts.

There were so many more questions I wanted to ask but even as the drummer began to fill the air with the angry pulse of sound, I knew this was not the time. There never seemed to be the time, right, wrong or otherwise but now was definitely not on the agenda. I felt guilty talking to him but it had felt right to. All I knew to say to Fonce was that I wished I could see what he saw and he could hear what I did. It all fell on to the beats and stops of the drum and were carried off on the wind. When I asked to return to my tasks, I promised to bring him some meatpies after he finally rested.

I didn't stop at the solitary pen that Holo resided in but I could see him on the other side. I could feel him watching me as I walked by.